Volume 7: Christmasvision!

First of all, I am hugely disappointed by every single Eurovision 2013 entry so far. This has been a big let down so far, and I hope the remaining 30 or so countries send actually good music. Maybe.

In Eurovision news, Turkey, Slovakia, and Bosnia are out for 2013. They cited a lack of financial resources and being disillusioned with the new televoting/jury voting system as main reasons for being out.

This means that Miss Pop Tart won't be able to vote. Shucks.

Zlata Ognevich - Gravity
A couple of days ago, this song won the contest for Ukraine. I am disappointed mostly because their entry last year was hilarious and funny, not to mention freaking catchy. She wasn't a great singer, but that was a great show.

As for Zlata...well, she's a disappointment. No dubstep here, just a bunch of choral voices wailing in the background of an entirely forgettable ballad. It seems like the only music that I've heard lately is extremely confusing. This song's African vibes are trying too hard.

I hope no one votes for this song. Why would anybody even consider it?

Q: Were all the other options that bad?
A: Yes. They were. The other top scorers were also ballads with absolutely nothing memorable about them whatsoever.

Worth watching?: For laughs
Downloadable?: No.

And now, for some Christmas magic, I give you the lovable Sean Banan.
Sean Banan - Gott nytt jul

If you don't know Sean, let me give you a bit of backstory: he's an Iranian immigrant living in Sweden, and was seriously considered for Eurovision 2012. Unfortunately, he was usurped by that horrible b*tch Loreen. I can't say much more than that about him, except that he's twisted and funny and his songs are mint. This is an oldie but goodie for the Christmas season.

On to the song: I love the jingle bells, and I don't even mind hearing them in the summertime. I also love the degenerate look of everyone in this video. At 0:34, when he has to decide between tuna(?) and a shwarma(?), I love that he picks shwarma. Yeah, everything about this is racist and disturbing also. I wish I could understand Swedish. And the meaning of this vid.

Worth watching?: Absolutely.
Downloadable?: Double yes!

Volume 6: Something old & something new

For posterity's sake, I'd like to share something old and golden with ya'll. A friend of mine said they watched this first vid in her Russian language class way back when.

Potap i Nastya Chumachechaya Vesna Clip
Now, Potap i Nastya are actually a very popular band (duo?), with lots of sweet pop tunes. At first glance, this video seems like it's going to be a classic ballad, or perhaps sad song, in an old style. The question "Are they serious?" may come to mind. I assure you that once you realize the expression of the piano player, or hear the voice of the male lead, you'll understand just how funny this song is. We need not understand the lyrics, or anything about what is happening.

This song is the perfect example of music I like: catchy, confusing, impossible to understand, and peppy. It's great. I listen to this song all the friggin time. It isn't until around 2:43 that the video starts to get a bit trippy, aka awesome. And omg the accordion player. Just, please watch this. IF for nothing else, the guy playing a spatula.

It's incredibly amusing and funny. In the words of Boney M, "Oh, those Russians." Looks like in the springtime everyone goes ballistic.

Chumachechaya is supposed to be childlike mispronunciation of a word that means something like "the coming of spring." Here is another song I like by Potap i Nastya.

Worth watching?: Yes, yes, yes.
Downloadable?: ALSO YES!

Also, this:

Deepside Deejays - Look Into My Eyes
I love this Romanian band, first of all. They have produced great tracks over the years, and here's their latest. This has your classic accordion overlay in the background (when did that become classic?), and it also has an epic break point where the beat slows and the listener feels like they are thrown into the love story. The main problem with the song is that it sounds a little like "Never Be Alone," so it doesn't really stick with me. I mean, I can just listen to that if I feel like hearing this song.

The video is also cliiiiiiche. Girl wakes up, she has beautiful blue eyes, she's thinking of all her memories with you (her chubby boyfriend?), and its a little dramatic. Then...suddenly...WE'RE ON BOATS! Wow! We're having so much fun in boats!

It does make you jealous though, you know it does. I find it amusing that he says "It's just me and you, baby," in the song, but the video is him on a boat with at least three girls. You and who? These people have so much money. Romania rocks.

Watchable?: Eye candy.
Downloadable?: Only if you don't already have "Never Be Alone."

Special Edition: The Junior Eurovision Song Contest is OVER

And, its....

Anastasiya Petryk - Nebo / Junior Eurovision Song Contest 2012 !!!!!!

I'm really not sure how to go about reviewing this song, because a) I don't actually like it that much and b) she's like 10 years old.

This is from the largely unwatched and undercovered Junior Eurovision Song Contest. Anyway, there's something catchy and magical about this song, and I need to express how weird it is that Ukraine keeps going for these dubstep tunes. (ref. "Be My Guest - Gaitana").

I mean, she's 10. Is dubstep really her thing?

The chorus is...well, I wouldn't describe it as catchy, but it's nice and she does hold a tune. The background haunting vocals are a bit misplaced. I mean, what's the context? There is a Prince of Egypt thing going on, like one of the singers from the soundtrack wandered over to the Netherlands to back this chick up? But this is supposed to be the Ukraine, aww hell I'm confused. The whole thing makes it seem a bit cheesy, but I LOVE her dress. She is one lucky pop tart.

"Zank you veddy maaach!"

Anyway, give it a listen. Millions of curious Europeans voted for her, after all. 138 points? Wow.

Also, look at the competition she overcame. Other entrants included: Georgia, Armenia, Russia, Belgium, Sweden, The Netherlands, Israel, and Belarus. So uh...yeah.

At least she sang in her own godamned language. Sort of, for most of it, yes.

Volume 5: Something electro & something not

Hello hello. Celebrating this week madcore because a friend who visited my lovely third world apartment left her ipod by misteak (mistake) and I ripped all of the music off onto my work computer, which has left me basking in pop and non-pop for a happy few days.

In the treasure trove are some not-so treasures, but among them I found this gem:

Crystal Castles - CELESTICA
What kind of music is this? Think the effeminate version of Kraftwerk and mix it with something Goldfrapp and we're getting there. Or maybe is does actually fall into a genre. Electronic experimental, the wikipedia tells me. Well, okay.

Anyway the song is lovely, but most of theirs are, especially "Courtship Dating" and "Crimewave." The reason I've chosen this song for y'all is becuuuuuuz she and her faux band are in Highgate Cemetery (I think). I recognize it and I did spend  a full day there when I was passing through Londontown. I think there are also some shots of Karl Marx's grave but then again, I could be making all of this up.

Anyway, a total winner. I'm so glad I discovered this band. I'm digging it. Upon a quick survey of the youtube commenters' reviews, it seems that a prerequisite to listening to this type of music is being something they call "high." Take that as you will. I enjoy it in plain form at my work desk while editing lame articles about nothing.

Worth watching?: Yes!
Downloadable?: DOUBLE YES! & DONE!

Princess Chelsea - The Cigarette Duet
This is epic, in every sense of the word. Everything about this song turns a pop tart on, and even though its a little forced...force hipster, that is...I am in love. The mixed up cosmic space music box feel here is inimitable and completely new to my ears. Beyond that, I love male-female vocals that are freaking Gotye. This is 1,000,000 times better than "Somebody That I Used to Know."

The lyrics are hilarious, and meaningful. I've had the same conversation with half of my boyfriends. When the guitar solo expands in the end, I really feel as if I'm part of some epic conversation like this. It also gives the impression of swimming slowly, or passing through into a different dimension known as alien 60s.

I'm not terribly fond of the "la la la"s at the end, but they have to be there for this to be a forced hipster masterpiece. Please listen and download, you will not regret it.

The music video is crafty as well, which is always a plus. Although somewhat amateur, it makes the whole thing feel a bit more real, doesn't it?

Worth watching?: A resounding yes!
Downloadable?: For every occasion.

Well it has been a successful day in the pop tart world. I'm a happy bumpkin. Until the next!

Volume 4: Malaysian or not?

Yuna - Terukir Di Bintang
Not sure about this one yet. She is Malaysian, and I've never heard the language. It's a new one for me. I'm excited to listen to it a few times and see if I recognize any words. The only problem I have with the song itself...so far..is that it's something Italian sounding. With an accordion, and these overlaying synth vibes, and I'm not sure why. I would have liked to hear her voice paired with traditional southeast asian sounds, because her voice is very soothing. There is also something soothing about this piece. I'll give it another listen.

By the way, the video I've linked you to is nothing special. It seems to be shot in Rome and Venice, but is unofficial, as the title states.

Anyway, she is a beautiful creature and I like her turban. I wish I could rock that look. I mean, she's probably wearing it because she's Muslim, but you know. It's stylish.

I'm still trying to figure out why a youtuber wrote "F*CKING MALAY GRASS GOAT!" in a comment to this video. Grass goats...are they a thing? Is that a racial slur? Did this girl really do something to deserve that comment? Well, maybe. Hit me up, let me know.

Worth watching?: Maybe not, but definitely worth listening to.
Downloadable?: Well... if you don't have anything in Malay to show your friends...yeah, I might download it.

By the way, I've watched a bunch of her other vids, and I've decided I like this one's attitude best. Cute vid also, gives you a little peek into the culture.

Sleeq & Najwa Latif - Untuk Dia
Ok, I have so much to say about this I can barely contain my excitement. First off, I need to mention that this video is being promoted on youtube, which basically means someone is paying money for hits. Well I hit that.

What we have here would appear to be two teenagers chilling with a pubescent chick and partying on a lazy Sunday afternoon. They cruise around in their very expensive car asking me questions about Singapore, which I can't answer. I really don't know guys. Do I want to go to Singapore? Sure! Meanwhile, the headscarf girl continues to look uncomfortable and the wind from the car ruffles her hijab.

Is facebook really called Mukubuku in what I presume to be Malaysian? Are these guys speaking Malaysian? No wiki page, except for one in probably....Malaysian. There's also something going on with the acronym "KL...oh KL...yeah KL...."

Girl sings! Is she a girl? Wait, she is really short. Is this a joke?

Watchable?: Omg yes.
Downloadable: Doesn't seem like it.

Well! This has been a cultural experience. Turns out a lot of kids on you tube randomly mix English in with their own language. I wish I could do eso, pero parece que ana ataklm a lgha inglizia. Buyurun bay bayan!

Yep ok, that's enough.

Volume 3: Hello Goodbye, Lithuania.

Gintarė Korsakaitė - Dreaming
No! No no no no no. This is horrible and I'm panicking, if Lithuania chooses this deranged mousewoman I will be very upset. For some reason, its the favorite of two (2!) commenters on the Eurovision page. I cannot bear it. The most horrible thing ever.

She is singing a pop ballad sort of that is not catchy and is completely forgettable. Moreover, her makeup is bad and she looks like a creeper, to put it mildly.

*big sigh*

Okay, now that the vent is over. I am watching early picks from Lithuania's selection contest for Eurovision Malmö 2013. This one is so bad that I suggest you watch it ONLY so you can campaign against it. I know Lithuania can do better! Oh my god now she is talking to the interviewer and she has no grace or style whatsoever.

But, the language is cute. Too bad she didn't sing in that AS EUROVISION SINGERS WOULD ALMOST ALWAYS BE BETTER OFF DOING AHHHHHH.

I love/hate Eurovision so much it kills me. Anyway, this is just the beginning. There's a good chance that Lithuania does not send this song to Sweden, after all. Phew glad that's over.

Worth watching?: Try.
Downloadable?: Never.

Vudis ir Samanta Tina - Hey chiki - mama
Good news. This IS NOT GOING TO EUROVISION.

Bad news. It still exists, and has the most views from that week of the selection contest in Lithuania. More than 58,000 people have subjected to this sh*t. And it actually has more likes than dislikes. I love Eurovision but this is so weird, weird crap.

The girl reminds me of Posh spice wrapped in a sour twizzler. The guy is so boring that he reminds me of a black hole. And why the hell is he saying "hey chiki mamwah?"

In short, worse than the other one I watched today. I think I'm gonna take a break from all this and just check back on Lithuania in a few weeks. Hello and goodbye Lithuania. Outlook bleak.

Worth watching?: Painful.
Downloadable?: Dear god, no.

Volume 2: Where's the party?

Trey Songz - Never Again

This song seemed promising, honestly it did. I like the fluttery sound in the background. But there's something off about the whole piece. With that said, youtubers seemed to like it.

First of all. Wow. Touching a bald guys' head is extremely creepy on screen. As is sipping a milkshake and bobbing ones' head. Then pounding the table next to it.

So, I get it. Trey is never gonna see this girl again. Is that because she is dead? If she is dead that makes me sad. Oh wait, there's a jail-like hallway. Maybe she's in jail.

Nope, that's a concert hall. Wow, how could I get those two things confused.

Okay, nothing happened in this song or video. What a waste of my spare time at work. Disappointment all around. Don't watch this.

Worth watching?: A resounding "no."
Downloadable?: Only as background music at a boring dinner party.

Kenji NMB48 - Kitagawa Kenji
Right, so, on that note. This song is moving very much fastlier..quickerly...than the previous one. But it sucks just as hard. I don't know why this exists, but it is mildly amusing. A bunch of girls in extremely colorful bows and ribbons dance extremely cutely.

If you were having trouble understanding, the lyrics are right there captioning to help you. Oh? You don't read Japanese? Well, you'll probably remain lost with this one then.

Worth watching?: yes, I suppose.
Downloadable?: To practice your DDR moves. If featured, this song will surely do a number on you.

Okay, so that's all for this week. From one pop tart to another, I wish you well.

Volume 1: Where the F*** is this guy from?

Today at gimme pop tart, I'd like to review my first two bits of pop for y'all. If you're here, I assume you've either 1) stumbled upon this blog by mistake or 2) searched the terms "retarded girl in Turkey reviews unpopular pop music."

Enough of that, let's get started.

Alexander Rybak - Leave Me Alone
Okey dokey, thanks to my good old friend Sasher, I've revisited a Eurovision favorite this evening  to have the distinct pleasure of listening to another of his violin masterpieces. Not. This kid looks charming, if you squint. His violin playing is off the wall. But what we have here is a regular piece of weirdness.

You probably remember "Fairytale" from Eurovision 2009. In that song, he was in love with an imaginary person. In "Leave Me Alone," a similar imaginary person is stalking him. Cue the weirdness.

What kind of mental institute leaves all its doors open and let's sexy girls in blue dresses walk in? Clearly, this video is not to be taken seriously.

Now, for the song: not really catchy at first, but it has its good bits if you listen closely. After listening twice, I'm classifying it as processed and uninteresting. Just one question. Where the f*** is this guy even from?

Worth watching?: YES
 Downloadable?: NO

Woodkid - Run Boy Run
Now, here's the most interesting thing I've seen on the youtube for a while. Shot in black in white, I can't seem to tell if it is artistic or artificial, and that irritates me. The faithful youtube commenters were correct in their observation that the music and the video go well together. For that, I commend Woodkid and their hero in the video, who is apparently befriended monsters to fight a war against Cloud City.

For the music, its pleasurable. The drums are excellent, reminds me of my Björk days (I'll explain that later). You'll find that the dramatic climaxing technique is very effective here. One question. Where the f*** are these guys from? In another song ("Iron," also worth watching as it is the more popular of the two), the singer DEFINITELY says "leeps" instead of "lips." Having done no research whatsoever...I'm going with French.

Worth watching?: YES+
Downloadable?: MAYBE. Give it another listen next week and decide.

Okay folks, that's all for now. Catch you next week for Volume 2 of gimme pop tart. Om nom nom.